Unbeknownst to his family, he has been secretly attending seminary to gain his priesthood for the past 8 years. How did he manage to hide these sessions from Kris? The world may never know. Sources state that a spiritual experience with a half-eaten communion wafer and prayers for emancipation guided him to catholicism, as the only thing that could rescue him from his family was God himself. 

On March 22nd, 2022, social media was flooded with Rob’s Batman-themed 35th birthday celebration, but it was a complete hoax. Early access to AI imaging and hologram technologies allowed the Kardashian family to simulate the birthday Rob would have had— if he hadn’t run to the Vatican for his Kardinal appointment. To the world, this was an ordinary birthday, but to the Catholic Church, this marked the beginning of a higher spiritual journey. 

On April 21st, 2025, Pope Francis’s death sent waves of sorrow across the world, silencing a voice of compassion and unity. While the world mourned for a great leader, Rob Kardashian mourned for the secrecy of his Kardinal Status. He could no longer hide from the public eye, it was time for The Konclave ⓒ. 

In the sea of Krimson ⓒ robes, Kardinal Rob Kardashian joined his peers in the Vatican, beginning the selection process for the new Pope. Historically, any form of photography, recording, or outside contact is strictly forbidden. Complete isolation is key for this process. However, we all know how The Kardashians bend the rules, even those made in the 13th Century. 

For the first time in 750 years, the Conclave will be broadcast globally. Keeping Up With The Kardinals ⓒ is available NOW exclusively on Hulu. For only $13.99/month, ($5 off for charity), you can stream new episodes every Sunday at 10 AM CET (Central European Time) – perfect for a mid-sunday mass break. 

Will the next Pope be a Kardashian? Will Kylie release a Last Rites Lip Kit? Are Psalm, Saint, and True next in line for religious leadership? 

Find out this Sunday on Keeping Up With The Kardinals! 

• Sigma Alpha Delta (S.A.D.) – Didn’t get into Bama. Didn’t get into TZE. Why are you still here?
• Beta Omega (B.O.) – You stank, girl. The crystal deodorant doesn’t work.
• Gamma Alpha Gamma (G.A.G.) – The BDSM society. But you already knew that.
• Lambda Iota Tau (L.I.T.) – For the thrice-a-week frat frequenters. This is actually just an intervention.
• Alpha Sigma Sigma (A.S.S.) – Pre-med society!
• Nu Omicron Nu Upsilon Tau (N.O.N.U.T.) – Virgins with allergies.
• Epsilon Rho Alpha (E.P.A.) – Contributors to 86% of Wellesley’s plastic waste. The earth won’t last forever, but PFAS will.

• Anagram/Abbreviation Announcer And Aptness Application Association

HERPS 

• Expanding the frog suit to all stages of life (herps is the name for reptiles and amphibians) 

ETASS 

• Email Transcription Adding Security Safeguards 

BBL 

• Blindness Bodyguard League

PP 

• Perm Presser: for the frog suit + DOOCA Suits talked to sophie abt it and she is super chill + on board) 

CUNT 

• Campus Union of Nice Tits

POOP 

• Peers Obsessing Over Professors 

GOBS

• Governors Of Building Solitude  (We don’t need that much community). 

SSRI

• Student Satisfaction/Sentiment Reporting Intern

Sidechat & YikYak!

If you keep arguing about who’s who, you chose the perfect costume duo. Bonus: Argue with anything and everything!

Are you lowkey toxic for each other?…
Any SSRI & Tito’s!

Zoloft, Prozac, Lexapro … so many to choose from! Tito’s is our recommendation, but these are completely customizable. Bring out the Four-Loko suit! Bonus: Spend the entire night yelling at each other!

Are you inseparable?…
Shower & A Ball of Hair!

While this costume may be DIY heavy, it’s sure to cause a stir. The more PDA, the better. Bonus: Leave a few strands of hair in your path to assert dominance.

Is the timing just… wrong? …
The Science Center Stairs & A Construction Worker!

It is a classic tale of the right person, wrong time. Bonus: Stand in front of any door for the entire night and DO NOT MOVE!

Are you star-crossed lovers?…
Me & My Package Stuck in Mail Room Purgatory!

Destined to be together, doomed to stay apart. Bonus: Please give me my package. Amazon said it was here. Plzplzplz. I will do anything.

Do you believe “Opposites Attract?” Could no one predict you getting together?…
That one type of eccentric prof that wears a cat sweater every day & HER HUSBAND AND KIDS???

The perfect costume to announce your evolution from situationship to #offish with your unlikely partner! Shock the masses! Bonus: Pride pin and golf clubs pair flawlessly.

Are you in an Unfortunate Polycule?…
The Hazard Quad & Munger!

Distance is just a number, Munger is still a part of The Quint! For a quick and easy costume, just wear merch. Bonus: Have a group chat without Munger because they ‘Don’t make it to the date anyway.’

Are you in a Healthy Polycule (or a friend group with palpable romantic
tension)?…
Geese!

Turn no further than Sev Green to find a honktastic costume for you and your loving partners (or homoerotic friendships). The Wellesley Geese are the pinnacle of tenderness (ish), and are the ideal functioning polycule. Bonus: Death glare everyone that walks by!

The unmatched interior acoustics turn the slightest tiptoe into the big, loud, stompy-stomp of a monster. One time I was in such a rush that I completely forgot to remove my Doc Martens at the door and I sent a librarian into cardiac arrest. The reverb is so intense that seven Berklee and three NEU Tame Impala cover bands have rented our shipping containers for rehearsals. Everyone knows that extreme fight-or-fight responses cause the best academic results and these hallowed halls ensure you are in a constant state of panic.

The interior design, reminiscent of both my middle school hallway and an asylum, transports me back to braces, straight jackets and the transition from Pink to Aerie. Who doesn’t want to relive that? The hours I spend in The Mods are truly the best on this planet, which is why I am petitioning to remodel every single building on campus at the same time, thus making every building a Mod. (Mods now. Mods forever. Mods immortal.) We already have renovations going, so what’s the harm in a few more?

Studies show that productivity skyrockets when a building looks most like a loading dock. Sylvia Plath states that “The Bell Jar” was greatly influenced by her time spent living in a shipping container: “The aluminum spoke to me.”

Taking a page from Sylvia’s book, I propose that we invest in the creativity of Wellesley students by providing them with more colorless walls, more haunting echoes, MORE BOX. I can see the new Academic Quad now! Just Box on Box on Box. Box on box on box. ❒❒❒

This one’s for you, Bates! After the slight plumbing issue, we’ve rallied together to get Brita an official table at the entrance of Lulu. Bring in your water bottle for complementary E. Coli testing, if trace amounts are found, they’ll give you 50% off!

Theranos 

We believe her this time! 

The British Museum

Modern dorm decor is SO last season. Upgrade your room with ethically sourced artifacts from nearly every country around the globe!*

*Ethics up to interpretation. No public information about retrieval from countries of origin. No reimbursement for legal fees associated with these pieces. All unclaimed relics will be distributed to The Davis Museum.  

Leashes For Boyfriends 

Do you have a boyfriend? Is he visiting campus anytime soon? Do you worry about your Sidechat reputation? Similar to Child Harnesses, these high-tech security garments will ensure your lover never gets loose!  

Tupperware 

Mild bankruptcy led Tupperware to introduce a new “Be Your Own Boss” program! Start today by recruiting five friends to the business. Hit 15 recruits and you’ll get ten Tupperwares and one jello mold (pre-greased, not kosher friendly) FREE! 

Command Hookers

This new product guarantees same-day installation of your Command hooks by experienced harlots. Individuals with latex allergies are advised against purchase.