Ingredients: Adderall, vending machine Monster
Instructions: Crush up your Adderall, separate into lines, snort. Take a knee, chug a Monster. Do this every six hours for two weeks.
Ingredients: Copious amounts of gluten-filled products, no fiber, vibes
Instructions: Hold it in
Ingredients: Servant
Instructions: Lay down, don’t move, beg your roommate to fill your water bottle
Ingredients: Your hot bod
Instructions: Have tons of hot steamy gay sex*
*it doesn’t count as self-destructive if you’re drunk
Ingredients: Copious amounts of drugs and alcohol
Instructions: Go on a bender, no holds barred.*
*ibid
Just don’t go.
]]>P.S. It’s BYOSS
]]>– Sincerely, that dumb bitch in your poli-sci class
]]>Seeing as the bathroom seems to be the root of the issue, Wellesley will be closing all dorm bathrooms for renovation. In the interim, each room will be equipped with a chamberpot for all your bathroom needs. But what about brushing my teeth, you say? Or perhaps, taking a shower? Guys. We’re going back to the 1800s, there’s no place for that. Bathing will be allowed once weekly in the communal bath house (first floor tub). Get ready to draw up your own water and live like your forefathers. Happy bathing stinkies!
“It reminds me of etsy. Carefully crafted items made by only the smallest of artisans! Plus just like Sophia Grace and Rosie, I think it’s important to help children and their careers.”
In the holiday spirit (and part of her binding contract with Temu) she released a holiday gift guide containing idea for the whole family!
For grandma: she suggests “the rose: golden edition”! I’m sure you’ve all heard about the viral rose vibrator, but Temu offers one for our silver haired shawties. Pop Pop hasn’t been around in a while and grandma’s getting up there. The rose: golden edition is a surefire way for her to go out with a bang!
For your teen daughter: Her brand new car! Not sure how it’ll show up at your doorstep,but probably with a lot of obnoxious orange packaging and packing tape
For mom:
Temu botox, do it yourself! Mom is becoming less milfy by the day, have you seen those crows feet? Time to give her the hint with Temu’s botox. A kit that comes with sterile (?) syringes, the botox itself, and a pack of wet wipes to clean up after.
(disclaimer, temu is not liable for the health of customers who choose to use this item)
For dad:
Power tools! Help him reclaim his power because your mom is making more than him. Does he want to get all that pent up energy out on a tree? Consider a handheld chainsaw. On a bush? Electric pruning shears! If you just can’t afford to send him to a rage room, consider a sledgehammer! As an add-on choose your favorite from the vast selection of breakable items on the website including: a pot planter ripping a bong, a number of ornate vases, or a hookah. If you don’t want to spend, consider your wedding china, you’re never gonna use that again!
For your new nephew or niece:
A suplome airsoft gun! Teach em early!
Consider this giant sack of shit! Increase the number of poop jokes in your sibling’s household, trust me, they’ll be grateful!
Have fun shopping broke losers! XOXO
Love,
Ellen
]]>Raines: So what is the atmosphere like today on the green?
Goose: Honk honk honk honk honk HONK honk HoNK honk.
Raines: Wow that is just so great to hear, I’m so pleased that you guys feel like you really may accomplish something. I hear that you have a meeting set up with the board of trustees, can you briefly state for the public your demands, and a little bit about what you hope to accomplish in this meeting.
Goose: Honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk hiss hiss hiss hiss HISSSSSS hissssss. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk honk, honk honk honk. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk honk, honk honk honk. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk honk, honk honk honk. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk hiss, honk honk honk. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk hiss hiss honk honk. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk honk, honk honk honk. Honk honk honk honk. Honk honk honk. Honk honk, honk honk honk. Hiss hiss hiss hiss hiss. Hiss hiss. Honk honk hiss honk honk hiss hiss honk.
We heard some pretty strong language used so it’s clear that these geese are not here to mess around. Wellesley College better duck and hide, because these geese are proven to be dangerous. We interviewed Anna Li, a sophomore here about this subject on the paths yesterday.
Raines: How do you feel about the goose strike?
Anna: I just hope the administration will hear them out, because we can’t have this. The geese are a beloved part of this campus, I once was attacked by one and I can honestly say it was probably the best moment of my Wellesley experience.
This interview was cut short by Anna once again getting attacked by a goose.
*While our interviews were somewhat short and sweet, we hope that you all will take this matter seriously, as the geese have been known to take hostages before. And get building Wellesley College, these geese want a chateau.
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